


Eat Me

by thewalrus_said



Category: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Fandom, Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-27 12:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2692793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewalrus_said/pseuds/thewalrus_said
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus stared at him. “What sort of rabbit hole is large enough for a full-grown stag to fall down it?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eat Me

Remus opened his eyes to the familiar warped wood of the Shrieking Shack. The moon was down but the sun had not risen yet, so the room was dark save for the lantern the four of them had smuggled in. That was normal. He was aching all over. That was normal. His clothing was carefully stashed on top of the cabinet to avoid destruction. That was normal. He had been awake for thirty seconds and Sirius was not in his face being obnoxiously, loudly concerned.

Not normal.

He sat up quickly and let out a cry of pain as a scratch on his back made itself known. Peter, curled up on the chair in the corner, woke with a start, visibly panicked for a moment, and focused on Remus. “Oh, you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

“Your eyes are doing that thing they do when you’re scared. Why are you scared?” Remus looked around the room. “Where are James and Sirius? Gone to get breakfast? They don’t usually both leave before I wake up.”

“They’re, uh,” Peter managed, eyes flicking around the room. “They’re sort of, well, gone.”

“Gone?” Remus asked, his insides clenching more than they already were. “Well, makes sense, I guess. Finally got tired of running around after the werewolf. I’m surprised it took them this long.”

“Oh, shut up,” Peter said. “They didn’t leave, exactly.”

“I thought you said they were gone?”

“They are. But they didn’t leave. They sort of, uh, fell.”

“Fell where, exactly?”

Peter laughed, a high-pitched nervous chuckle. Remus wondered if it were possible for his stomach to become even more knotted. “Well, funny story. There was this hole. This sort of rabbit hole.”

Remus stared at him. “What sort of rabbit hole is large enough for a full-grown stag to fall down it?”

“You know, I wondered the same thing. But that’s what happened.” Peter seemed to be getting his wits back about him, now that Remus wasn’t actively upset or angry with him. “There was this giant rabbit hole and they fell down it. And I don’t quite know what to do about it. I was hoping you would have some ideas.” His earnest, eager smile was somehow more offensive than the fact that Remus’ friends were stuck in a hole somewhere with the world’s largest rabbit.

Remus groaned. “Why do I have to fix this? I am in pain. I think I might still be feral. And yet I have to be the competent one. Why is that, exactly?” He did his best to look haggard and dangerous and incapable of pre-dawn rescue missions; Peter just looked at him, eyes wide and apologetic. Remus sighed. “Pass me my clothes. I can’t fix this without pants.”

Twenty minutes later, Remus and Peter were sitting around a small, shallow hole in the midst of the Forest. “And this is where they fell?” Remus asked.

“Yes,” Peter said firmly. “I’m sure this is it, I chewed out a notch in the root of that tree just there and anyway there aren’t any other holes around. But it was a lot wider and deeper last night. I couldn’t see the bottom.”

“Hmm.” Remus chewed on a fingernail. “How’d you get me back to the Shack?”

“I kept biting you until you decided I was a threat and then made you chase me back.”

“That explains the state of my toes. Clever.” Remus patted the bottom of the hole, six inches below the ground, two feet across. “Well, this is as solid as ground normally is, I think. So I say we give them till tonight to show up and then if they don’t, we go to Dumbledore.”

“Dumbledore?” Peter asked, head snapping up. “Are you sure that’s wise? I mean, to go straight to the top like that? Shouldn’t we try McGonagall first?”

“Ordinarily I’d say yes, but in this case I think McGonagall will ask more questions than Dumbledore, and as we don’t have any answers...”

“Fair enough.” Peter stood up and offered Remus a hand. “Do you need Pomfrey or should we go straight to breakfast?”

“Can we go to the kitchens instead?” Remus said, hauling himself to his feet and wincing as his bitten toes complained. “I’m too hungry right now for healing but I don’t feel like being in the Great Hall like this.” He slung his arm over Peter’s shoulder and they made their way back to the castle.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

James was jostled back to consciousness when Sirius gave a fully-body jerk on top of him.

“We discussed this, Sirius, no sleeping on me if you’re having dog dreams,” James said, giving him a shove. “I realize I’m incredibly comfortable, but I’m not actually a pillow. When you hit me with your elbow, it hurts.”

“Why are you so coherent this early?” Sirius grumbled, digging his face into the offending elbow. “Five more minutes.”

“We’re not in Gryffindor Tower, Sirius,” James said. “You need to wake up now, because Remus is not here and actually I don’t know where here is, now that I think about it.”

Sirius let out a noise of complaint but dragged himself upright and onto the floor next to James. He blinked a few times and then took in his surroundings. “Whoa.”

They were in a high ceilinged, paneled hallway with half a dozen doors lining the walls and a glass table next to them, in the middle of the hallway. “Good job we didn’t land on that,” Sirius said, standing up.

“Strange that we didn’t land on that, given where I’m guessing we came out,” James said, pointing at the ceiling where a tunnel seemed to run straight up, directly above the table.

“Huh.” Sirius looked up and then back down at the table. “Food!” A cake with EAT ME written on it in icing sat in the middle of the table. Sirius grabbed it and took a bite.

“Sirius!” James said, grabbing it out of his hand. But suddenly Sirius’s hand was a lot higher than it had been. James took a step back and watched as his best friend expanded, filling the hallway and cracking his giant head on the ceiling. “What the hell? We’re in a strange place and you just eat some random food you find lying around? Are you stupid?”

“It wanted to be eaten, it said so! Who was I to deny it? Just shrink me, I’m getting a cramp,” Sirius said, rubbing his neck where it had hit a doorframe on the way up.

James’s hand went to his pocket. “Uh-oh.”

“I don’t like that, Jamesy. Please say something else.”

“I don’t have my wand.”

“Not that, idiot. Something nice.”

“I don’t have anything nice to say. My wand is gone, you’re huge, and I can’t shrink you or Apparate us out.”

“You couldn’t anyway, you don’t have an Apparition license.” Sirius caught James’s eye and burst out laughing. “Sorry, thought I could keep a straight face on that one.” Noticing that James was decidedly not laughing along, Sirius added, “So what do we do now?” He patted the ceiling. “Don’t think I can break through, this wood is really solid. And I can’t exactly move right now.”

James looked around and saw something else on the table. “Here, try drinking this. It wants you to.” He held up a clear vial filled with liquid.

“Are you crazy? What if it makes me bigger? I’ll get crushed!” Sirius shook his head, cracked his head against a beam, and winced. “I’m not drinking that.”

“Think about it logically. Why have two food items that make you bigger? Wouldn’t it make sense to have them counteract each other? This is going to shrink you. Trust me.”

“How can you rely on logic right now? What is logical about this situation?” Sirius squirmed. “I’ve never liked logic anyway.”

James made a face at Sirius. “Catch.” He threw the vial up and Sirius, thankfully, caught it. Although James wasn’t convinced it would have broken if he hadn’t; that just seemed like poor planning on the part of whoever designed this whole setup.

“Drink it slowly,” James said, as Sirius opened the vial. “I don’t want you disappearing on me. Mum would never forgive me.”

“She always has liked me better.” Sirius took a small sip from the vial and his head began inching down the wall. “It’s the hair, I’m telling you. It charms women of all ages.”

“Shut up and take some more,” James snapped as Sirius’s head came to a halt at the top of the door. “Just a drop.” Sirius swallowed and shrank until his eyes were just below James’. “Perfect.”

“Wait, no, I’m taller than you normally! I’ve gone too far down, give me the cake.” Sirius made a grab for it but James danced out of his reach, wrapped the cake in a miraculously clean handkerchief he found in his pocket, and stashed it away.

“We don’t have time to mess around and anyway I’ve always been the taller one, you’re delusional,” he said. “And we should really try to figure out how to get back home. Remus is going to be so mad when he finds out we’ve disappeared.”

“Well, maybe this is like another dimension,” Sirius said. “Maybe time’s running differently here. Maybe we’ve only been gone a few seconds.”

“Or maybe it goes the other way and we’ve been gone a few days,” James countered. “Anyway, I don’t think it matters. I think we’re pretty well stuck.”

Sirius was trying the doors. “I think they’re all locked. There’s a key on the table, but it pretty obviously goes to this door here – “ he pointed at a little door hiding in the corner “– and as you won’t let me change my size anymore that’s no use to us.”

“What was that?” James whirled around, eyes searching the dark hallway before them. “I swore I heard something. There! You heard it that time, right? I think it’s coming closer.” Sure enough, a shape was emerging out of the darkness.

“Wormtail?” Sirius asked as the giant Mouse moved into view. “Did you eat the cake too? I thought there was a bite mark already. But wouldn’t Remus have stopped you? He’s smarter than James is.”

“Hey!”

“Anyway, where is Remus?” The Mouse remained silent. Sirius blinked and moved a little closer. “Come on Peter, go ahead and change back and tell us where Remus is. We can shrink you down to normal size, we figured out how.”

“No no no no no!” the Mouse cried. James and Sirius jumped. “No, this is all wrong! You’ve messed everything up!”

“We’re sorry,” James said, catching Sirius’s arm and pulling him back. “We didn’t mean to. Just tell us what we did and we’ll fix it.”

“You’re not Alice!” the Mouse yelled.

“Well, actually, that’s something we can’t fix,” Sirius said. “Sorry.”

“Oh, this is all wrong.” The Mouse skittered up to the table. “At least the key is still here, although of course you would take the food. Now we have to reset entirely and hope she doesn’t pick now to come back.”

“Can we help?” James asked. At the Mouse’s glare, he added, “Okay, maybe not. Well, can you tell us how to get back to our own world so we don’t mess anything else up? We don’t want to be any trouble.”

“Ask the Caterpillar,” the Mouse said distractedly. “Here.” He plucked two whiskers off his face and handed it to James; as the boys watched, a new one grew in its place. “I have to go and tell everyone. They were so excited,” the Mouse murmured, turning and shuffling back down the dark hallway.

James looked at Sirius, who looked back, and they both shrugged. “What’s this, then?” Sirius asked, coming up to James and taking it from him. “Whoa, they’re hard now. Magic whiskers! I want some.”

“I think maybe they’re a lock pick,” James said, ignoring Sirius. “And Remus said that was a useless skill.” He scoffed. “But which door do we go through?”

“I get the feeling it doesn’t matter,” Sirius said. “I think whichever one we go through will take us to the Caterpillar.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“What has, lately?” Sirius took the whisker and walked to the nearest door. He crouched down and inserted the whiskers into the lock. After a moment’s work, it opened with a click and Sirius pushed it open. James tucked the vial into his pocket next to the cake and followed Sirius through the door.

“Do you think this is a large or a normal-sized Caterpillar we’re looking for?” James asked, turning to close the door behind him. “The Mouse was huge, but who’s to say everything here is?” The door they had come through was set in the trunk of a large tree, and when James closed it, it sealed itself shut and vanished. “Well, that’s unfortunate.” When Sirius said nothing, James turned to look at him. “Sirius, the door just disappeared.”

“What? Yeah, that’s bad,” Sirius said, looking at James quickly and then turning his eyes back to something James couldn’t see. “But I think we have slightly bigger issues at the moment.”

“Like what?” James moved to stand next to Sirius and then stopped. “Oh. Perhaps like the giant Caterpillar sitting on a huge mushroom right in front of us? Is that what you were talking about?”

“Yes, actually. Good guess.” Sirius looked at James, and then back ahead. “Well, nothing else for it.” He took a step forward.

“Quite right, too,” the Caterpillar boomed, its back to them. It seemed to be smoking a large pipe, if the multicolored smoke rings were any indication.

James ran up next to Sirius and they crossed to the front of the mushroom. The Caterpillar frowned at them and puffed heavily. “Neither of you are Alice.”

“So we’ve determined.”

James dug his elbow into Sirius’s side and said, “What my friend means is, we don’t know any Alice. We just fell down a hole and ended up here. And we don’t want to mess up your plans any more; we just want to go home. But we don’t know quite how to do that, and we were told to ask you for help. So here were are. Sir,” he added, shifting his weight. The Caterpillar’s expression reminded him too much of the way McGonagall looked at him that time the Slytherin benches all disappeared halfway through the Halloween feast. And it hadn’t been his fault that time, either.

They stood in silence for so long that Sirius seemed to be falling asleep on his feet and James had to jab him three times to keep him awake. Finally the Caterpillar heaved a huge sigh and said, “Yes, I agree, you two should really be going now.”

“Great,” James said, rocking forward on his feet. “If you could just point us in the right direction, we’ll be on our way and out of your, uh, smoke.”

“If you move too much, you’ll never make it home. You must stay still for that to happen.” The Caterpillar sent a puff straight into Sirius’s face.

Sirius jerked forward, only James’s sudden grip on his arm keeping him from knocking the Caterpillar off its perch. “So we’ll wait here, then?” James asked, mostly to keep Sirius from yelling; the other boy’s mouth was already open.

“No,” the Caterpillar said placidly.

“No?” James seriously considered letting Sirius go.

“No. You must wait elsewhere. But you should hurry. Your moment to leave may come and you don’t want to be moving when it does.” The Caterpillar closed his eyes. “Go now. That way.” He sent a puff of smoke whooshing over their heads and then seemed to fall asleep.

James bristled, but Sirius jerked forward again and James had to be the logical one. Sirius clearly wasn’t going to do it. “Come on, Sirius. Come on, let’s just go. I don’t really trust our chances against this guy.” He pulled Sirius back a few feet before the other boy tore his eyes off the sleeping Caterpillar and turned in the direction of the smoke ring, which was still hanging just in front of them.

“I think we have a guide,” Sirius said, and took a step forward. The smoke ring scooted backward a bit. “Oh yeah. Let’s get out of here.” Sirius and James looked at each other and took off, the smoke ring dancing in front of them.

They walked for about ten minutes in silence, taking whatever turns and twists their guide made, before Sirius broke the silence. “What the hell?”

“What?” James looked around. “What happened?”

“No, I just mean,” Sirius said, gesturing. “Everything. Where are we and what the hell is going on, and all that.”

“Oh, that,” James said, laughing. “You know, I had sort of forgotten that this is weird. Is that weird?”

“Yes, James, that’s weird,” Sirius said. “But I know what you mean. This sort of feels like it could be part of Hogwarts. In fact, are we sure it isn’t?”

“Does it matter, really?” James asked. “If it’s not, we need to get back to it, and if it is, we need to get back to a part we recognize. Either way, we’re lost and the only clue we have is to hunker down wherever a magical smoke ring tells us to and wait for something or someone to come pick us up.”

There was silence for a moment and then Sirius remarked, “This is not the worst thing that’s ever happened to us. Or even very high up on the list.”

“No. The things on that list we’ve tended to cause ourselves.” James wanted to suck the words back in as soon as he said them, and inhaled deeply, but Sirius was already looking down and James couldn’t fix it.

“You’ve never forgiven me for that,” Sirius said, eyes down. “I don’t understand why you haven’t forgiven me. Remus did. He forgave me about thirty seconds after I asked him to. I know I screwed up, James, but it’s been a year. Why the hell can’t you just let it go?”

In for a Knut... “Because I don’t think Remus should have.” They had stopped walking by this point, and Sirius took a step back and looked like he had been slapped. James let out a harsh breath, and then another. “If it had been me who pulled that stunt, or Peter, do you think Remus would still be speaking to us? He would have taken those thirty seconds to yell or scream or whatever and then that would be it. We’d be out. But you? He just looked disappointed for a second and then moved on. He’s got a soft spot for you and I’m worried about what will happen to him the next time you fuck up. And besides, Remus wasn’t the only one you screwed over that day.” James rubbed a hand along the back of his neck and sighed. “You sent Snape in to his death and then dumped it on me. I had to clean up your mess and you never even bothered to say thanks, let alone sorry.”

Sirius, his back up against a tree and his mouth half-open, was staring at James. “Remus forgave me without even a second thought, how was I supposed to know you didn’t do the same?”

James looked up. “Is that seriously all you have to say right now? You asked me a question, I answered, and you turn it around on me?” He turned and started walking down the path. “Come on. We have to follow the damn smoke ring.”

“James? James!” Sirius ran after him. “Slow down.”

“The sooner we get to where we’re supposed to be, the sooner we can go home. And frankly, there isn’t much I’d like better than that at this point.” James shook Sirius’s hand off his arm. “Left up here.”

Sirius fell back a step or two in surprise, but caught up, shoved his hands in his pockets, and walked in silence. He chanced a glance at his best friend every few minutes, but James’s face didn’t change – his brow was furrowed and his eyes were on the smoke ring. Sirius chewed on his lower lip and thought.

After another ten minutes the smoke ring turned a corner and then dissipated. In the clearing beyond sat a long table set with bits and pieces of various tea sets. Sirius pulled up short next to James and grabbed his arm. This time, James didn’t shake him off. “James, there’s a giant rabbit sitting at that table.”

“Yes, Sirius. I noticed.” James took a few steps forward, Sirius still hanging on to his arm. “And a man with the greatest hat I have ever seen. Come on, let’s go.” He walked up to the table. The rabbit and the hatted man looked at him. “Hello! My name is James Potter and this is my friend Sirius,” he said, gesturing behind him. “We’re actually on our way home but we need to stay here for a little while so our friend can come find us. Do you mind if we sit with you?”

The rabbit and the man looked at each other and then the man looked at James, removed his hat, and used it to gesture to the chair directly opposite him. James, keeping the man’s gaze, slowly moved towards the chair and sat down.

Sirius moved to sit next to James, but when his hand touched the back of the chair, the giant rabbit snapped, “No!” Sirius snatched his hand back.

“Sorry, sorry,” Sirius said. “Is there another chair I could sit in instead?

“No, no, no!” the rabbit said, all of a sudden cheerful and singsong. “No sitting for you. Only proper murderers sit here.”

“Oh, sorry, I’m not a murderer,” James said, making to sit up.

The rabbit waved him down. “Nonsense! You may not have killed yet, but I’m sure if you were to, you’d do it properly.” It nodded at him with a wide grin. James nodded back, looking slightly pleased with himself. The rabbit looked at Sirius. “You, on the other hand, get others to do your dirty work for you. And I’m a Hare, by the way.”

Sirius went cold. James turned to look at him, but Sirius was completely focused on the Hare. “How did you know that?” His entire body felt tense and his hands were shaking.

“Well, boy, you were shouting about it, how could you expect us not to hear you?” the Hare said, giving a high-pitched giggle and nearly falling out of his chair. “Yelling, yelling, yelling, and only real murderers sit here. We murdered Time, what makes you think you’re worthy to sit with us?” James tried to stand up again and the Hare threw a teaspoon at him. “Sit down, boy, I’m trying to make a point here.” James sat. He tried to look at Sirius to apologize but Sirius was still looking down. The Hare continued. “Only a man who can save a life can take a life. You can’t do either. So you stand.”

Sirius nearly blacked out where he stood. There was a roaring in his ears that he didn’t hear until James threw the teaspoon at him and broke through, saying, “Come on, idiot, I’ve been calling you for a full minute. Do you want some tea or not?”

“You can’t be mad at me if you never expected any better of me,” Sirius said slowly, not knowing what words he was going to say until it was out of his mouth. He looked up at James. “It’s not fair. Don’t get mad at me for doing what you expect me to do.”

“What are you talking about?” James asked, putting down his own tea but very pointedly not getting up from his chair when the Hare picked up a butter knife.

“That’s why Remus forgave me so quickly,” Sirius said. “He didn’t expect better from me so he didn’t get mad at me when I screwed up. But you didn’t expect any better either. When I told you what I did you didn’t even ask questions, you just ran off to fix it. You knew I was capable of a screw-up of that size. So you shouldn’t get mad at me either. Everyone expects me to be useless and a waste of space and then when I mess up it gets worse. I’ve been trying so hard since then, James, really I have, but every time you look at me you see a little messed-up should-be Slytherin.” James opened his mouth but Sirius kept talking. “No, this is my turn now. You got your turn, now let me have a go. I’m really, really sorry for what I did, and I’m really grateful for everything you did that night. But I did try to apologize then, and you cut me off and wouldn’t let me. I went to you right after I went to Remus and you told me to shut up and never talk about it again. And so I never did, because you’re my best friend and I didn’t want to make things worse. But you’ve gone and forgotten that, and just decided that I took you for granted. I thought you understood, James. I thought you knew how sorry I was. But instead you’ve turned it into something else. If I had known you really did want me to apologize, I would have!”

Sirius realized he was shouting as he finished and snapped his mouth shut. The clearing was ringing and the Hare had frozen with a sugar cube on a spoon halfway to his mouth. Sirius dimly noticed that there was a small mouse peeking its head out of the teapot; when it saw him looking at it, it gave a squeak and disappeared. The hatted man was sitting silently and met Sirius’s gaze without a waver. Sirius gave himself a mental shake and forced himself to look at James.

Not that he could tell much, because James had turned around halfway through Sirius’s tirade and all Sirius could see was the back of his head. Sirius stared at it for a minute, shifting awkwardly and fiddling with his hands. Finally, not turning around, James said, “You’re right.”

“What?” Sirius blurted out, and the Hare gave another high-pitched giggle.

“You’re right,” James repeated, turning around at last. “I remember that. I remembered that. Before. But I did want you to push it and apologize to me. And it wasn’t fair. And I’m sorry.”

Sirius felt hysterical laughter bubble up in his chest and fought it down, only letting a snort or two out. Once he got control of himself again, he looked down at James. “So are we okay? You’ve martyred yourself, we’ve both yelled, you’re a real murderer and I’m a coward. Can we call it settled now? Can you stop being mad at me?”

“Yeah,” James said slowly. “Yeah, we’re good.” He stood up, clapped Sirius on the shoulder, and then pulled him into a hug. “We’re good again.” Letting go, he stepped back and looked at the Hare. “What, no assault with silverware this time?”

“My point has been made,” the Hare said haughtily, licking his sugar cube. “Want a lick?” he asked, proffering the spoon to his companion, but the man shook his head slowly and looked at Sirius.

“I need to ask you something, but I don’t know what it is,” the man said.

“Sorry, mate,” Sirius said, wrinkling his nose. “Hate that feeling. You’ll think of it, don’t force it.”

“I’ll remember by the time Alice comes around,” the man said confidently. He turned to the Hare. “May I have some sugar?”

“No,” the Hare said, and popped the rest of the cube in his mouth. The man attempted to stab the Hare with one of the shards of a broken teacup sitting at the place next to him, but the Hare snatched the hat off the man’s head and threw it into the woods surrounding the clearing. The man took off running in the direction it went.

Sirius and James walked around the table, looking at the different tea sets that were in evidence. “What did you mean about murdering Time?” Sirius asked, lifting the lid off the teapot and waving at the mouse inside. The mouse bodily lifted itself out of the teapot, squeaked at him, and scurried a few places down the table, where it curled up on a saucer and went to sleep.

“I don’t know how I can make it any clearer. Time. We killed it. Now we serve out our sentence in an eternal teatime.” The Hare delicately sipped from his cup, which by now was broken and currently had no tea in it.

“There are worse times to be stuck in, I guess,” James said to Sirius, turning slightly so the Hare wouldn’t hear him.

“I think they should lay off the sugar, though,” Sirius said. “Can you imagine? Nothing but caffeinated tea, all the time...”

James shuddered. “You have a point. The Hare doesn’t seem to be able to stop twitching.”

The man suddenly burst back out of the trees, stumbled back into his chair, and shoved the hat on his head. Calming, he looked up at James and Sirius. “Your friends will be here soon. Why are you standing? Sit down, sit down.” He beckoned wildly at the chairs in front of him. James sat. “Not you!” the man snapped when Sirius tried to sit next to him.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Peter asked for the hundredth time as he and Remus reached the landing on the seventh floor and turned the corner. “Seriously, there are so many things that could go wrong with this.”

“Yes, Peter, I know, you’ve gone over them all a dozen times.” Remus limped down the corridor – Pomfrey had done her best but he hadn’t dared show her the mouse bites for fear of awkward questions. “But it’s almost midnight and I can’t think of anything else to try.”

“We could try going to Dumbledore, like we agreed.” The two boys pulled up in front of a blank stretch of wall. “Remember? If they weren’t back before nighttime we’d go to Dumbledore?”

“And we will,” Remus said, gesturing for Peter to get out of the way. “If this doesn’t work, we’ll go straight to Dumbledore’s office, promise.” He looked at Peter, who shrugged, and then began pacing, up and down the corridor three times, thinking _I need to be where James and Sirius are. I need to be where James and Sirius are_. He came to a halt after the third time and looked at the wall, which now had a door set into it. He and Peter glanced at each other and then Peter opened the door.

It opened out of a tree on the other side, Remus observed as he stepped through. There was a clearing in front of him, with a long table at which were seated a large rabbit, a man with a gigantic top hat, and one of his missing friends – the other was standing at James’ shoulder. Sirius caught sight of him first and waved. “Moony! Hey Moony, we’re over here!” James waved as well and then began shoving some of the tea cakes into his pockets.

“Yes, Sirius, I see you,” Remus said, sighing. He turned to Peter and said, “Whatever you do, do not let this door close. I don’t know if we could get it back open from this side, this being a tree and all.” Peter nodded and Remus limped into the clearing. James and Sirius ran around the table and made as if to hug him; he grabbed an ear in each hand. “What the hell were you thinking, running off like that?”

“We fell, Moony, honest!” James insisted, wincing. “We were just running after you and we fell and we woke up here.”

Remus let go. “Good. Good answer. Come on, let’s go back, it’s almost midnight and I’m exhausted.”

“Oh, before you go,” the man with the hat said, standing up. “You may want these back.” He took off his hat, rummaged around in it for a few moments, and extracted James and Sirius’s wands. He handed them to the boys and sat down again.

“How did you get these?” James asked, but the man was singing softly to himself and did not answer. Remus gave him a strange glance and pulled the two boys away. He didn’t let go of them until they were through the door and safely back in the hallway of Hogwarts.

James and Sirius shuffled back a few steps as Remus glared at them. “It wasn’t our fault, Moony. We swear we didn’t want to leave like that. We just fell.” James felt around in his pockets. “Here, we brought you this.” He extended a handful of hastily-wrapped cakes; a small vial came out with them. “They taste pretty good.” Remus didn’t move and James’ smile faltered. He held his hand out farther. “Peace offering?”

Remus frowned for another moment, but took them. He turned around and the four boys made for the staircase. Remus considered the vial for a moment and raised it to his mouth. “Oh, wait,” Sirius burst out. “You don’t want that,” but it was too late. Remus stumbled and began to shrink. “Shit,” Sirius added as he grabbed at his dwindling friend.

James picked up the vial. “I don’t think he drank much,” he said, holding it up to the light. “Look, he’s slowing down.” Remus was indeed shrinking at a reduced rate; finally he came to a halt, small enough for Sirius to pick him up and hold him in one hand.

“What the hell is going on here?” Peter asked, peering at Remus, who was pacing the length of Sirius’s hand and looking furious.

“We kind of forgot that we used that vial to make Sirius smaller after he ate some cake and got huge,” James offered, and then grimaced as he realized what he had said.

Peter just nodded. “Right. Hospital wing?”

James began rummaging in his pockets. “Wait, hold on, this might help,” he said, finally extracting a much smaller cake with some smudged writing on the top. He brushed some crumbs into Sirius’s hand. “Eat that, Remus.”

Remus opened his little mouth and started yelling, fists clenched. “Can you hear what he’s saying?” Peter asked, bending his head closer. The other boys shook their hears. “I think his vocal cords are too small for us to hear any sounds from them.”

“Oh! I have an idea,” Sirius said, grabbing Peter’s wrist and turning his hand up. “Take him for a second. Is anyone coming?”

James ran to the end of the hallway and shook his head. “All clear!” Sirius nodded and began shrinking himself, sprouting fur and a tail. Within a few seconds Padfoot was standing where Sirius had been. He nosed at Peter’s hand and Peter held Remus closer to him. The little werewolf was still shouting.

Padfoot listened for a few moments before shifting back. “He says he’s never trusting us or anything we give him again and we better take him to the hospital wing or he’ll tell McGonagall we’re the ones who wrote her that poem third year,” Sirius reported.

“Hospital wing,” James declared. “That poem doesn’t work if it’s not anonymous.” Sirius nodded and scooped Remus back out of Peter’s hand, carefully placing him into a pocket.

James, Peter, and Sirius ran down the stairs and through the hallways, not stopping until they reached the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey looked up when they burst into the room. “Good heavens. What is the matter with you boys? Or wild animals, as you seem to have become?”

“Well, ma’am, we’re terribly sorry, but we were poking around in the Forest,” James started.

“Right,” Sirius cut in, “We know we shouldn’t have been, but we were studying so hard and just needed a break and some fresh air. While we were in the forest, Remus cut himself on this branch and –“

“While I’m sure this was going to be a well-rehearsed and fascinating tale,” Madame Pomfrey interrupted, “you can spare me the gory details. What has happened to Remus?”

Sirius silently took his hand out of his pocket. Remus had stopped yelling, settling instead for glaring at all of them. “Can you fix him?” Peter piped up, from behind James’s shoulder.

Madame Pomfrey sighed and held out her hand. Remus ran from Sirius’s over to hers. She held him up to her eye and said, “Yes, don’t worry, I can fix this.”

Sirius practically deflated with relief, and she added, “Now get out of my infirmary. You’ll have him back by lunch tomorrow.”

The three boys almost tripped over themselves running out of the room. Madame Pomfrey sighed again and looked at Remus. “You need a new set of friends.” Remus sat down, crossed his arms, and nodded.

**Author's Note:**

> So... this is a thing that happened. I actually wrote this a few years ago and just dug it up again recently - it spawned out of a conversation with my best friend as a crack idea, and then I got the idea of Sirius mistaking the Mouse for Peter and couldn't let it go. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!


End file.
